Predictions For 2011
January 3, 2011
JANUARY. With the December blizzard still crippling what was once called The Greatest City in The World, Mayor Michael Bloomberg summons Police Commissioner Ray Kelly to City Hall to ask why he looked so glum at all those news conferences where the mayor was skewered for failing to clean up the streets.
“You kept avoiding the cameras, Ray,” says Mayor Mike. “You never made eye contact. If I didn’t know better, I might think you didn’t want to be seen standing at my side.”
Bloomberg assures the public that Kelly will remain as Police Commissioner, albeit in a limited capacity, until all side streets are cleared.
Brooklyn Councilman Charles Barron says a better choice to head the Sanitation Department might be Schools Chancellor Cathie Black.
Says Barron: “Because she’s so good at thinking outside the box, she might have some ideas for snow removal that Kelly hasn’t thought of.”
“See,” Kelly tells Sharpton, “this proves that we don’t just stop black people.”
Kelly then asks Sharpton’s advice on the New York Times’ lawsuit, which claims the police department routinely violated state law by failing to release public information to the public.
“You’ve violated that law since you became commissioner in 2002,” the Rev tells Kelly. “How come the Times just wised up?”
Browne says he paid the Times back by placing on the NYPD website 17 categories of misdemeanor crimes that the department had refused to post during Kelly’s first nine years as commissioner.
“And I leaked it to the Wall Street Journal,” Browne says. “The Times got scooped on its own story.”
In addition, The Times begins investigating the department’s “computer glitch” — Browne’s excuse for why the department failed to post misdemeanor statistics for the past nine years.
“I’ve always admired Bernie,” says Sherman — “ever since I met him at Campagnola’s when he was dining with Judith Regan, Victoria Gotti, Jeanette Pineiro and Jeanine Pirro — all at the same time.”
Kelly contacts Hamilton South, who, since 2006, has been on the Police Foundation payroll, serving as a public relations consultant for Kelly at $96,000 a year. Kelly suggests South leave town for a few months.
Kelly and Hamilton South, whom Kelly has allowed to return to the city, accompany the mayor. “He’s pretty desperate,” Kelly whispers to South. “Maybe you can give him some advice.”
South whispers back: “My advice is that nothing can help him.”
From out of Christmases past on the corner of 57th Street, Bloomberg hears a voice he cannot see.
“Michael Bloomberg, I, too, failed to clean up a snowstorm and wanted to be President.”
“Ohmigod,” shouts Bloomberg. “It’s former mayor John Lindsay.”
“And you, Ray Kelly,” says Lindsay. “If you run for mayor in 2113, you’d be wise to remember this too.”
Copyright © 2011 Leonard Levitt